M.Afzal: Time to unveil the mask!

M.Afzal: Time to unveil the mask!: The new government came to power with beautiful promises and unbreakable wows , numerous pledges and assurances for the nation .  ...

Wounds of Betrayal .

In Rwanda , an eleven year old boy , Timothy sits in his messed up bedroom ,silent and seemingly undisturbed . For one good thirty minutes he stares at the wind chime by the window , the wheels of colors twisting and turning with the wind , almost as if the wind will carry his troubles away and the tune of the chime will change his life .


In USA Superior Court Judge order probation instead of prison for a du Pont family
heir who raped his young daughter.


In India , a 2007 human rights survey revealed that 40 % of its child population was subject to various kinds of assaults , abuses including sexual abuse and only 3 percent of
these were actually reported. 31 % of the sexual abuse was committed by close relatives such as uncle or father. ....


A child is born to trust their parents . It is a natural feeling born out of bonding as an infant. They learn to feel secure in the arms of their parents and are completely dependent . In such a situation , when the child faces sexual abuse from their parents it becomes a betrayal of the worst kind . The child does not have any person to run to or to confide in. The aggressor is the person whom they trusted . This betrayal leaves the child completely wound and lost within himself and affects the physical and psychological development of the child .

What amounts to Child sexual abuse . Definition of Incest .

Incest is difficult to define as the legal and psychological definitions are very different. Legal definition is extremely narrow and defined as sexual intercourse between blood relations.


From a psychological point of view incest covers a much wider range of behavior including physical contact with child's mouth , breast , genitals or any other part for the purpose of arousing the aggressor . There are other forms of abuse as such including the aggressor masturbating in front of the child or persuading the child to pose for sexually suggestive photographs ( pornography ) .


In this article I have attempted to focus mainly on the sexual abuse by father on daughter

Perpetrator - The father

It so happens that most of the time ,the aggressor or perpetrator is the fathers and the victim is the female child. And while this is the general view , we cannot dismiss the many instances where the mother becomes the perpetrator and abused the male child.


However in most cases the mother remains silent and unable to respond due to various compelling reasons and refuses to act upon even after she discovers that her daughter is being sex ally abused by the husband . This maybe due to many reasons and the reasons differ from in facts and circumstances .

From economic isolation and homelessness to social stigmas that the family has to face are reasons that in families where abuses happen , they never come upfront with the matter .

Psychological coercion

There is a tremendous amount of phycological coercion in child sexual abuse. Emotional black mailing , preying on the naive victims fears and vulnerabilities become the common method of this abuse. .
Apart from coercion , perpetrators resort to physical violence to force themselves to the sexual activity . The child at this point feels completely helpless and hopeless and thus submits out of fear , anguish and insecurity.


It is true that ninety percent of the victims do not tell anyone what has happened , they are too afraid , either that they will not be believed and conceived as a “ dirty minded child” . Or the fear instilled by the perpetrator ( father ) that mother will stop loving and leave her . Sometimes it so happens that the child is afraid that by telling one parent about the ill doing of the other ,it might tear the family apart . Abuse is fearful but the thought of breaking the
family apart is more scary.

A poet went to see a doctor. He said to him: ‘I have all kinds of terrible symptoms.

I am unhappy and uncomfortable, my hair and my arms and legs are as if tortured.’

The doctor answered: ‘Is it not true that you have not yet given out your latest

poetic composition?’

‘That is true,’ said the poet.

Very well,’ said the physician, ‘be good enough to recite. ‘

He did so, and, at the doctor’s orders, said his lines again and again.

Then the doctor said: ‘Stand up, for you are now cured. What you had inside had

affected your outside. Now that it is released, you are well again. 

` Hakim Jami`

The Shame

The shame of sexually abused child is very unique . The feeling of “being dirty” is very intense in that they try to conceal the fact that they are being violated in case they come out as the evil child . They internalise blame on themselves and the blame is compounded by shame. The feeling of it being their fault is so great that they feel guilty to come out and tell on the parent who is portrayed to the outside world as the guardian and trustee for the child. Somebody has totake the blame , it cannot be the parent , it has to be t he child . Such is the
conviction among the victims of child abuse. The belief that they are to blame gives them a feeling of isolation within the home as a result they tend to isolate themselves from the outside world .


Ultimately it affects the child education , mental development , emotional upliftment . The self esteem of the child falls as the child is subjected to both mental and physical torture. It really becomes a betrayal of the worst kind. The mental torture that nobody will believe the child and that the mother will never love the child are the most common tools employed by the perpetrators to coerce the child into submissiveness

Its Never the Child's Fault

Human body is designed to simulate to sexual signals and activities . The Victim may like the feeling and the mere fact that they liked it enhances the shame and guilt that they begin to blame themselves. It is to be emphasized that the human body is biologically designed to respond to such feelings , however, just because the child liked it doesn't make it the child's fault and doesn't make the parents act any right.

We have seen many instances where lack of resistance by the child to the abuse has ultimately portrayed her as the partner in crime. .

Such instances occurred last year , when a 15-Year Old Rape/Incest Victim was Sentenced to "100 Floggings" for "Sex Outside Marriage" by the Maldives Court. One of the good examples of how ignorant our social and judicial system is .

Just this year , there has been two reported cases of child sexual abuse where the father attempted to abuse twins and in another case , the sisters aged 13 and 10 .

These stories are horrific , A childhood is being robbed from a child and exposure to such cruelty at a tender age leaves a harsh wound that never heals and like a shadow over the head it slowly consumes the child .

Why ?

The most simple question to ask is always “ why “ . Why is the child abused by the parents themselves . Why is the female child subject to the cruelty , Why has the world not come to a solution to this inexplicable crime.


The following are some reasons suggested to have been the cause and conflict in child sexual abuse .

Parental sexual abuse is often a symptom of family dysfunction. .
This could be due to many reasons

• A troubled marital relationship where sexual dysfunction occurs due to mother being unavailable or physically disabled , which leads to frustration and him turning to his daughter to satisfy that need . Research has show however that , sexual deprivation plays a very minute role in father daughter incest.When the mother withdraws or is otherwise absent, a vacuum is left within which father,daughter incest can develop, other conditions being conducive to it. The father, who feels abandoned, frustrated, emasculated and angry, turns to the daughter and sexualizes the relationship, in effect making the daughter both mother and wife in the family. 

• An imbalance of power between the partners is also common reason. One pattern involves a tyrannical, authoritarian father who dominates his family, who has little or no regard for others’ feelings, and who maintains control through violence or other types of coercion. This could be one of the main reason why child sexual abuse is prevalent in our society . Foundation of society lies on a patriarchal system where male dominance in all aspect of life leaves the female members as somewhat a weaker section . Males control and lead arbitrarily and women has little say outside the house as well as inside. Moreover , women are seen as their subordinates bound to be submissive to their needs and desires when and where they want. Such a attitude often leads to women being used as an object of their pleasure. Thenenters the Tyrannical authoritarian father who is sex drive and to satisfy needs imposes on the female members disregarding the relation. 

• Those parents who abuse very young children may likely have been subject to abuse themselves as a child . In such a situation they are more likely to view children as their primary sexual objects . There are certain characteristics of the fathers that seem common to a majority of incestuous families regardless of the age of the children; these include poor impulse control (at least in certain situations), sexual concerns, and alcohol or drug use.the social factors conducive to incest including stress, social isolation, opportunity for sexual contact, and a sexualized climate in the home. 

Society has been teaching the trend of male dominance for so long that when men became uncontrollable sexual beings and women began to be seen as the weaker sex . There are so many questions we can ask , why do men abuse their children , is it because the value of humanity has been forgotten , is it because the society has become so wild that it forgot its place .Where has the values that our forefathers taught us . Where has the respect vanished into.


There is a myth in the crime of sexual abuse that it is believed that incest and sexual abuse happens only in poor or uneducated families or in isolated backward communities. However the reality is that it is very Democratic and this happens in economically well off households as well. Hence no matter the life style or the level of education one receives ,socialization affects men and women the same way. It can happen even in the most reputed and respected households and never be discovered because such families have a special talentto hide , especially the victim who as said before , assumes it to be her fault and hesitate to break the family apart..



There is a myth that the incest is reaction to a sexual deprivation. However the Harsh reality is that Most aggressors have active sex lives within mar­riage, and often through extramarital affairs as well. They turn to children either for feelings of power and control or for the unconditional, nonthreatening love that only children can pro­vide. Although these needs and drives become sexualized, sexual deprivation israrely the trigger.


It is essential that the myth that Children – especially teenage girls—are seductive and at least partially responsible for being molested.


Most children try out their sexual feelings and impulses in innocent and exploratory ways with people to whom they are bonded. Little girls flirt with their fathers and little boys with their mothers. Some teenagers are openly provocative. However, it is always 100 percent the adult’s responsibility to exercise appropriate control in these situa­tions and not to act out their own impulses.

Conclusion

Although the shadows of the past can hide the sun today

And cloud our view of what is yet to be,

I feel a spark deep in my soul that will not fade away,

A fiery voice, dying to be free,

To speak the truth of who I am, out loud and without fear,

To sing my song for all the world to hear.

So raise your voices with me now, we will not be denied.

The treasure’s not impossible to find.

Summon up your courage, your passion and your pride,

Feel the power and the strength: “We have survived!”

Wield your power and your strength will thrive.

Find your power and the joy to be alive. 

- Now and then by J. M.-

The need of the hour has arrived. A social transformation is required where a gender sensitive approach to upbringing of children should be adopted. A culture must be cultivated which gives values to men and women equally. A cultureand a society that is not based on power conflict but on equality. This alone may perhaps not bring any solution or control on the crime unless we enact justifiable laws that are precise and deals with deterrence . There is a lacuna in the implementation of the laws in the most appropriate manner . A policy compatible to deal is an essential need. Sexual abuse is in its nature an evil and paves way for evil. There is need to curb the evil and create a generation that truly values humanity and appreciates value of life.